Nachos are the Birdfeeders of God. Can I Ask Your Advice on Beginnings??

I have been doing the nachos for lunch, nachos for dinner thing (I don’t eat breakfast, as anyone [all 14] who reads this blog know). I’m pleased it has lasted 19 days now, but I don’t suggest it, unless you know nachos. People ask, “Doesn’t it get repetitive, eating nachos for 2 meals a day, for so many days?” I am always tempted to impulsively lift and fling a car into an orchard and then shout rude and obvious things about does a bonus check appearing in your mail twice a day get repetitive? What about sex? You know, twice a day. Do you feel that would be repetitive? Etc…


(Thursday) I just realized I need a post about the best wine/nacho combination…Seems obvious, but has anyone done that yet?

But I don’t shout impulsively like that. Not now. A few years ago. Sure. This is a guy who used to routinely leap from moving vehicles. Talk about self destructive. I was cured of that, in Rhode Island. Long story, involving highway 114 asphalt, a clam festival (do you know the excellent term quahog?), and a late-night hunt for a certain type of blood (that I needed, uh, very soon, as in now).


I just politely say “No, because when I make nachos it is the way people ‘make’ ( planing, bruting, weight retenting, color retenting, polishing, inspecting, all those hunched over, serious, honed-in hours, etc.) diamonds. No two are the same. EVER.”

This week was my Lovelace # 14, the usual (I don’t give that recipe free) and Roast Venison Nachos (originally chicken, but I substituted meat I killed, since I only eat meat I kill) and charred cauliflower (tough to find now, but I have a little CA connection, mailed flash frozen) nachos and Sloppy Jackson nachos and popcorn talapia ( a weak flavored fish in itself, but like tofu–it will suck up your added flavors) nachos and Asian Nachos (again I used venison I personally scouted and stalked and shot with an arrow, dressed, wrapped, etc.) and Banana Nachos and Denver smothered burrito Nachos and Chile-rubbed rabbit Nachos (yes I shot the rabbit) and Movie Theater nachos and…to get to present, present day Tuesday (like the heat off my oven just scorched my arm hairs present), I am about to eat a dinner of Plaintan nachos.

(All recipes linked are heavily modified–who adds a sauce containing  Nordihydrocapsaicin to this last particular recipe?

Uh, Me.)

All these recipes I fire up like fuck. So be warned if you eat with me. Then again, I’ll always have beer nearby.


Ahhh……………..look at that grease gleam like a row of tampering gods.


Today i worked a bit on my new flash book, a collection of flash texts written about every drug known to man, legal or not so. Psilocybin, Trazodone, cocaine, and a few others have gone rather smoothly.

But this one, creatively. I can’t write. Why? Read on.

Today was marijuana. How banal is marijuana? I mean even Christians smoke the stuff, after bible study, the videos, whatever. YAWN. Nuns smoke weed. The computer guy at your office smokes weed. I mean it gets to the point where even the dude wearing black jeans in the hallway smokes weed, or the woman who knows your mom and loved her as a high school teacher, the bouncy Starbucks woman, all that. Your accountant. Your plumber. Etc.

So it’s tough to write about…almost too universal. Too literary already. The biggest known joke ever told. The joke being that this drug is “done” exactly as often as a cold beer, or more. Wheeeeeee…for a writer. YAWN.

It’s like writing about oxygen as a drug.

So I kept having these problems starting the piece I am trying to write. Here are three starts. They all suck. Forgive the format and font problems. I am cut-and-pasting from a few days of trying to start this stupid-ass piece. Maybe it’s evidence. Ever had how-2-begin problems, I ask???


You wake one day as Nancy Reagan. This is right after, you know, a truly big event, a shift in the paradigm of the soul, so you’re thinking, Fuck it. Anything is possible now. Example: You start collecting miniature wheat fields—you stack them in the crisper drawer of the refrigerator. Or maybe you learn to make quilts of goat cheese from the innards of a Toyota Tacoma. Oh forget all of that. Don’t halfway yourself now. You walk out onto the balcony. You change into a bird….Feathers all crystal-hiss, ruffling, stirring like a throat.


One day Nancy Reagan turns into a bird. She takes a long flight.

And 3.) as in what I wrote today:

The Universe feeds the birds and waters the fishes but then is called away on business so leaves Nancy Reagan in charge of making nachos. Ok, fine. But then Nancy Reagan notices she has no cheese. A nacho without cheese is akin to making love without touching. Tornadoes without wind or even sounding like a train, etc. “This will not do,” Nancy Reagan mutters to herself. So puts on her pea-green sweater and leaves for the convenience store.

The fishes and birds escape.


I just had an epiphany about how incredible lame all three starts are. Seriously. Wow. So what I am asking here is for advice. Many of you have books–chap, poetry, novella, novel, essays, etc.–I own and admire. Can I ask you something? We all know Hemingway rewrote his novel’s ENDING 39  times, but what about false starts, these beginnings…?


What does it mean?

Can I get some stories?

Isn’t is all a metaphor?

Who do people focus on endings, not beginnings?

Come on! Help me out here. Say something dumb or smart or dumb 2morrow. But say something…


BTW I think this new elimae interview destroys.


Lastly, I will leave you with Terry Gross of “Fresh Air” Interviewing Gene Simmons of KISS, years ago. I think both win here. I do. And welcome all arguments otherwise. Worth the read though, I feel. Worth the read. I think that’s what we want, words worth reading…


8 responses to “Nachos are the Birdfeeders of God. Can I Ask Your Advice on Beginnings??

  1. I like numero uno and think it ‘works.’ But what do I know, man.

  2. I like the Nancy idea, but

    I dunno … I work with a guy who seriously has never smoked weed. And it shows. He’s like the only person I have ever known who hasn’t.

    Flash that.

  3. Also: You run, you eat incredibly spicy food, you write… You’re addicted to burning.

  4. Also: Why in the hell aren’t you on Twitter? C’mon… even Blake Butler’s doing it.

  5. ALSO: That Gross v. Simmons interview was entertaining. Hah!

  6. False starts. Sigh. Queen of ’em here. Anyway, wanted to say I’m impressed. I knew you only eat meat you’ve hunted yourself, but I didn’t know you’re a bow-and-arrow hunter. Even better. (Wow, is that sentence all kinds of tense-confused? It’s late. Whatever.) Sorry I can’t be more helpful.

  7. I really like your number 1 for what it’s worth.

  8. The man with the shallow moustahce

    Grigori Rasputin grew his beard in order to hide herbs and medicines in them that he would later put into people’ s drink in order to hypnotizethem. Maybe this is how he “healed” Tsarevich Alexei? Who knows.
    The point is, that this whole comment is 100% code talk.

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